How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
