There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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