That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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