I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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