new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
