If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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