The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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