If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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