Moan for me like Helen Keller
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Operation Purity has been aborted
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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