Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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