yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
