The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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