My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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