I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
