also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i think i have two assholes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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