Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
