I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You are the jesus of drinking
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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