i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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