I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
