I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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