FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
