1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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