I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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