My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
