Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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