Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
What drink are we having for lunch?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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