I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
