so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
