I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
