So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
pop tarts are not kleenex
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
