The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
