if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
