Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
