don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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