I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
