If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
