Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
