I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
