The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
