my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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