She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's shark week go big or go home
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
