i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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