So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
there was a trapeze. enough said
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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