I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Can Purell be used as lube?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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