Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
