I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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