i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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