I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
