Banned from zoo.
Again?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
