is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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