yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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