Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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