If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
All I want is dick and wine.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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