Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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