I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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